So I’m walking home from work with my boom box on my shoulder watching some local dudes body popping and breakdancing on the corner (I haven’t been outside in a while, is this still what people do?).
I come across a punk kid spray painting obscenities on a wall. ‘Hey kid!’ I growl, still upset about offending Al Leong (as seen in the 80s action movie villain episode). ‘Screw off mister!’ the little shit replies. ‘Hey you look familiar’. ‘Yeah’ says the youth, ‘I was Chunk in the Goonies’. ‘Wouldn’t that make you about 40 now?’ I seethed. ‘Yeah but for the purposes of this article I’m ageless. You didn’t think this through before you started writing this pointless intro. And it was all just to introduce one of those awful ‘where are they now? ‘ pieces. ‘Ahh shit’ I say. Anyway here’s the list.
4. Jeff Cohen – Chunk (The Goonies 1985)
Everyone remembers Chunk. His name became the go to insult for overweight kids in school all over the world. Well guess what? That fat little guy is now a lawyer. Sadly his law firm is not called ‘Chunk, Sloth, and Associates’ but has the boring moniker of Cohen and Gardner LLP. They specialise in cases involving settlements in pirate treasure disputes (citation needed). His last film appearance was in 1991 as Jeff quit acting and went to law school. Brilliantly when playing for the college football team he would do the truffle shuffle on the sidelines after scoring. Go Chunk!
3. Joseph Mazzello – Tim (Jurassic Park 1991)
The smug little brat from Jurassic Park who most people would have thrown to the raptors. Also along with his sister displayed a lack of the ability to turn off a simple flashlight. Did you think he’d disappeared? Well guess what? You’re wrong! Joseph Mazzello has had an extremely varied acting career, appearing in big movies such as The Social Network and hit TV shows like CSI and Justified. Not bad for someone who climbs fences extremely slowly.
2. Anna Chlumsky – Vada (My Girl 1991)
You’ve probably seen Anna Chlumsky in loads of roles without realising it. Spell check’s worst nightmare has been working nonstop since her breakthrough in My Girl. After many years acting in TV movies she’s now becoming more and more visible in critically acclaimed films and TV shows like In the Loop and 30 Rock. She’ll next be seen in the TV series Hannibal about cinema’s most famous cannibal.
1. Lindsay Lohan – Hallie & Allie (The Parent Trap 1998)
‘Awww what a sweet little girl, she’ll grow up to be a lovely young woman’. Which is exactly what happened. What, we’re not discussing Anna Chlumsky anymore? Lindsay Lohan is apparently still an actress although she recently appeared in Scary Movie 5 so I can’t confirm this. She was actually great in Mean Girls so here’s hoping she sorts herself out.
Are there any other child actors you want me to track down? Actually that sounds really bad. This blog does not condone any such activity. I think it’s best we leave it at that.