This weekend sees the UK release of Iron Man 3. Now you’re asking what that’s got to do with Predator. My first answer would be – that’s none of your damn business, I can and will talk about Predator constantly. My second answer would be – Iron Man 3 is directed by Shane Black who starred as Poncho in Predator. Yeah it’s a tenuous link but as I’ve already stated – I can and am currently talking about Predator.
Predator might be the best movie ever. Look into your hearts, you know this to be true. A story of testosterone fueled, hard as nails, special forces warriors going up against a super advanced alien hunter in the jungle. Just read that sentence again and take it in. You’ll probably notice that your muscles are a little bigger and you’ve started growing hair in places that its never grown. It’s arguably the most macho film you’ll see and I’m not ashamed to say, I love it. However one aspect of it has always bothered me: there aren’t enough of these types of movies so how do these huge meathead, body building actors keep working?
The answer might surprise you (or not if you’ve read the title. I really should have made it more abstract). You guessed it, politics. ‘Thanks Captain Obvious’ you’re thinking, ‘everyone one knows Arnold Schwarzenegger was governor of California’. Ok, slowdown smart-ass, what you might not know is that Predator produced more politicians than just Arnie. No, Predator was basically an assembly line for future American statesmen. Let’s take a look at these alien fighting american heros.
3. Arnold Schwarzenegger – Dutch
The one you know. The Governator. Big Arnie has only recently stepped down from his role as Governor of California and back into ‘acting’. Carl Weather’s character Dillon would no doubt have enjoyed the irony of seeing that they had got Duke ‘pushing too many pencils’, if he hadn’t been murdered so violently by the predator. Schwarzenegger ran for office in 2003 and served two terms. Some might say the people of California asked him to ‘stick around’.
2. Jesse Ventura – Blain
Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura was governor of Minnesota for ? Years from 1998 to 2003 lending credence to my opinion that more politicians need cool wrestler style nicknames. Jesse was the first ‘sexual tyrannosaur’ to live in the governor’s mansion. Rumours that Ventura arrived at budget meetings at city hall weilding a massive chaingun and spitting tobacco are sadly unconfirmed. Ventura now lives in Mexico where he no doubt stalks the jungle looking for revenge.
1. Sonny Landham – Billy
Sonny Landham played Billy, the fearsome native american warrior with the over the top laugh that the predator kept repeating. You know you have an annoying laugh when a ass-faced alien openly mocks you for it. Land ham ran for senate and to be governed in 2008. He lost. Analysts attribute this to his habit of cutting his bare chest with a machete at press conferences. Also he called for a genocide against Arabs (that part is actually true!). So it turns out that Billy is a total dick.
Honourable mention: Carl Weathers – Dillon
Weathers never followed his co-stars into politics but this Saturday Night Live campaign spot shows what could have been.
Weathers for President 2017!! Let’s make it happen people!!