I’m not the kind of person who uses disgusting language but I’m about to make an exception. Here we go – OMG! I’m very sorry about that but it had to be done because according to The Hollywood Reporter a remake of the ‘actually quite bad but should have been good’ 1994 sci-fi Timecop is on the way. If you’re a younger reader you might not be aware of this legendary film so allow me to educate you.
Time cop stars Jean-Claude Van-Damme as a special police officer who pursues fugitives who try to escape by travelling through time. Its one of those ideas that is so awesome I think it should be the plot of every film. JCVD throws himself into his role of magnificently named Max Walker and by that I mean he does the splits at one point and bares his strangely shiny ass at another. It’s your typical Van-Damme action flick…..but with time travel! Let’s have a trailer breakdown!
The first thing you’ll notice when JCVD first appears is his luscious hair. It’s at once bouffant, shiny, curly, and accomplishes a full mullet at the back. If this is what hair looks like in the future then send me there right now.
Oh wait, apparently it’s set in 2004, that’s almost 10 years ago. Where were our time travelling mullet police? I’ll let it slide just because of that voice-over, you don’t get that kind of narration these days. But what about that plot? A businessman goes back to make enough money to become president. Seems like quite a extreme way of making cash especially if you’re already a mega rich business man.
So evil businessman want’s JCVD dead. Not a good idea buddy, did you see him do those mid air splits in his tiny kitchen? I like to think he practices that particular move in his kitchen on the off chance that that exact situation would occur. It’s what I do.
After explaining the whole plot of the film Mr Voice-Over Man utters the following phrase “Turn back the clock…..and you’re history!”. There are a couple of reasons I love this. Firstly it doesn’t actually make sense if you think about it. Maybe it’s a clever comment on how time paradoxes work. Secondly I love how just one metaphor wasn’t enough for the makers, they slammed two together into one mega-line.
It’s these kinds of features that make Timecop a timeless crap-classic, a term I’m coining here for those films that are blatantly rubbish but that you love. Timecop is the movie Looper wishes it was. I repeat – OMG!
Do you love Timecop? The answer of course is yes but I’ll let you elaborate in the comments below. Thanks!
Literally one of the best films ever made. Definitely up there with ‘assassins’ and seagal’s ‘the patriot’.
It has everything. He wears boots called ‘wolverine’. ‘Read between the lines’…. (an actual quote).
Is that the bit in the shopping centre? I love that, i’m gonna train to lift my leg that high just so i can say ‘read between the lines’ to someone
Just to darken the mood around here, it sucks that Ron Silver died.
What?! That’s shit. He was such a good bad guy in his day. That’s a shame
Never seen it! It’s the type of movie where you have to have a penis to like it, right? Like Steven Seagal movies?
Exactly! Not the kind of film you watch on your own. Or sober