OK strap in folks, I’m about to get biblical on all your asses. Zooey Deschanel is the Antichrist, the child of Satan, the one prophecised in the Bible. How do I know this? To be honest I just kind of pulled it out of my ass but the more I think about it the more evidence I see around me.
‘What evidence?’ I hear you scream. Well read on and be convinced. And if I disappear and Zooey starts appearing younger then you need to avenge my death. Deal?
4. Her name
What kind of name is Zooey anyway? An ancient incantation of great evil that’s what it is. I have no proof for this but really, why would I make it up. Look at the name, know anyone else that has a similar moniker? That’s right this beast:
That’s Zuul from ghostbusters an ancient Sumerian demon that attacked New York in 1986. Can we really take the chance Deschanel could do the same?
3. Her films
Zooey is a popular girl, loved by geeks the world over who like her for no discernable reason. She has an almost supernatural ability to attract fondness without ever exhibiting any likeable traits. Which is fine if you’re playing the quirky best friend but really f**king annoying if you’re in more than 20% of the film. The Bible says that the Antichrist would seduce the world and charm it into loving them. The prosecution rests.
2. Her work
Remember when the Satan tempted Jesus in the wilderness for forty days? He showed him all sorts of cool stuff and offered it to him knowing he would never give in. Then in 2012 Zooey Deschanel starred in 500 days of summer in which she tempted Joseph Gordon Levitt for an even number of days. Coincidence? Yeah probably. Well in 2009 Deschanel sang backing vocals on the album ‘Acid Tongue’ by Jenny Lewis. The song title – ‘The Next Messiah’. She’s spelling it out to us people!
1. Her hair
Ever seen Zooey’s forehead? No, didn’t think so. I wonder why. Maybe it’s hiding this!
Or it might not be, I don’t know. Anyway it’s enough evidence to convict. Case closed!
Have you got any proof that a Hollywood actor is really an ancient theological demon? Let me know and I’ll launch an investigation. Together we can fight these monsters.