September 23, 2013mikeyb @ screenkicker

All clowns are evil – Great Movie Cliches #3

This one is less of a cliche and more of a stone cold truth.  Clowns are Satan’s messengers on Earth.  That’s not my imagination, it’s science.  While the world continues to hire these big shoed bastards for children’s parties, the world of movies is on to them.  And for years it’s been trying to warn us about them.  Its a chicken and egg situation – are we scared of clowns because of movies or is Hollywood just portraying clowns in their horrifying glory?  I’m going with number 2.  I now present to the court a list of movie clowns on trial

5. John Wayne Gacy – Gacy (2003)

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Why would you allow this freaky bastard at your kid’s party

The only real life clown on the list (I keep telling myself that penny wise isn’t real. Please don’t be real!).  John Wayne Gacy was a children’s entertainer by day and a brutal serial killer by night.  I won’t dwell on this too much because its infinitely upsetting so I’ll tell you if the movie about him is any good. No it isn’t.

4. Klowns – Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)

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The Spice Girls reunion tour was running out of ideas

Yeah it’s a lot of shit but what other films feature evil space clowns?  These little freaks have come to our planet to harvest human flesh. In a stunning coincidence they only happen to look like clowns and their ship looks like a huge circus tent. It’s really that bad. A space-clown home planet should be nuked from orbit, just to be sure.

3. 009 – Octopussy (1983)

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Just how I like my clowns – dead

OK I ran out of scary clowns so I’ve snuck in a nice guy one, please don’t sue.  This is 009 , one of Bonds secret agent colleagues and he meets a grisly end.  Chased through the everglades, battered and bruised and clutching a Fabergé egg, his demise happens before the start credits with the naked ladies even starts.  The moral to the story is don’t sign up to be any 00 apart from 007 or you will definitely die and not get to see boobs.  Poor poor 009.

2. Clown/Violator – Spawn (1997)

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I was also a dwarf in Moulin Rouge!

See that little fat f**ker dressed like a clown. That’s actually John Leguizamo, supporting actor in basically everything (Carlito’s Way, Moulin Rouge). Spawn was a really bad superhero movie back when superhero movies weren’t cool. I was so excited about seeing it that I refused to believe that it was anything other than amazing. Sadly nothing actually happens apart from the clown farting and drooling a lot.

1. Pennywise – It (1990)

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Sweet dreams!!!

People around my age still flinch when someone mentions ‘It’.  A whole generation grew up terrified by Stephen King’s creation and it was made even more horrific with Tim Currie’s performance as Pennywise the clown in this mini series adaptation.  He’s the ultimate scary clown – he eats children, hangs around sewers and terrorizes John-Boy from the Waltons.  He loses some of the fear factor when we discover he’s actually an enormous alien spider.  Up to that point though, he’s the most frightening clown ever.

So does anyone actually like clowns? Is it because of movies that you don’t or did you always sense their evil deep in your soul. Anymore of these demonic painted freaks that you can think of. Let me know below and quit clownin’ around. For more Great Movie Cliches look here and here!

18 comments

  1. “The moral to the story is don’t sign up to be any 00 apart from 007 or you will definitely die and not get to see boobs. Poor poor 009.” — painfully funny dude. haha.

    And personally I loved Killer Klowns from Outer Space, but then again I do have a screw loose.

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  2. In this household its definitely CLOWNS v ISAACS.

    1) In a funny-ish story, a long time ago I got thrown in the slammer for being drunk and doing bad things. Half awake and scared to death that I was going to get raped and killed (because I’m so hot), I was chained to a bar waiting to get my mug shot and I turned and look around and right next to me was a similarly chained clown staring at me. I might or might not have shit myself.

    2) In a not funny story, my father in law’s brother was killed 30 years ago by a car full of drunk clowns. Clowns don’t fly around here.

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  3. I was terrified of clowns when I was little. I have no idea why other kids would want to get balloons and hugs from clowns…nothing to do with movies.
    But if you use Killer Klowns From Outer Space as an example..rofl..that movie was so ridiculous. More funny than scary..but so much work put into the making…

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