Javier Bardem’s Evil Hair – Insane Film Theories

Surely the best thing about being an actor is that you get to wear a whole variety of crazy wigs.  It’s what would attract me to the world of fame, beautiful women, mansions, and fast cars.  I don’t care about all that, just let me wear a huge afro.  Because of this I have a soft spot for actors who’s characters seem to have flicked through a wig catalogue before randomly choosing a page.

It’s even better when you can figure a character out just by the type of hair they have.  First up is Javier Bardem, the theory put to test is that the more ridiculous Bardem’s hair is in a movie the more evil his character is.  Trailers for his new movie The Counsellor show him, sporting a truly horrible spiky haircut. This tells me his character will be a bad guy. Don’t believe me?  Well read on.

Collateral – Shaved hair

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Bardem plays a gangster in Collateral.  He’s the guy who has hired Tom Cruise to kill a bunch of witnesses that are about to testify against him.  Leaving questions of why the police don’t have these people in witness protection, have a look at Bardem’s hair.  He’s sporting a very short hair and beard combo and this sums up the evilness of his character.  In his eyes he’s just killing some snitches which in movie terms isn’t that evil.

Eat Pray Love – Shaggy hair

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More hair this time and in line with the theory Bardem is more evil than in Collateral.  He isn’t evil in the typical definition but something a lot worse.  He’s acting in Eat Pray Love, which could only be forged in the furnaces of hell.  Julia Roberts looking smug for two hours can only be described as a crime against goodness.  Bardem has a shaggy do and really needs to up his game to surpass the horror of this film.

No Country for Old Men – long, straight, abomination

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I’m not sure how to describe the style here, just look at the photo.  He’d need to be extra bad to carry this look off.  And he carries it off beautifully.  He plays Chigurre, a hitman who carries around an instrument for killing cows which he uses on people.  It’s a strangely specific method of murder which can only mean he really enjoys his work.  And when your job is dealing out death it makes you a truly evil bastard.

Skyfall – I have no f**king idea!

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What the hell is that thing.  It’s magnificently horrible.  Bleached blonde and cut in a vaguely bowl shape this is truly the pinnacle of silly hair.  And by the same measure he is magnificently evil as Silva, a man with a cunning yet overly elaborate plan that James Bond needs to foil.  Evil deeds include shooting a lady and blowing up part of MI6, his callousness gets even worse as the film progresses.  Imagine how awful Bardem’s hair will need to be for the next villain he plays.

Have I sold you on the theory?  Are there other actors whose roles correlate with something in their appearance?  Someone who is funnier the bigger their ass is?  Someone who gets more sexy with more facial hair (a theory I’m currently testing)?  Let me know and I’ll get back in the lab to carry out more equations!

15 comments

  1. damn mikey this is brilliant! haha. I would have to completely agree — the longer/crazier the hair, the more sinister the role. His spikiness in The Counselor shows that he. . . . .well, who am I kidding? That movie confused/bored the hell out of me so quick I had no idea whether he was good or bad. I think. . .he was bad, just going on this theory here, but it’s anyone’s guess really. damn it Ridley Scott.

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