I hate January. There, I said it. I don’t care what you pro-January freaks think and I don’t want you picketing Screenkicker’s offices and harassing my staff. Let me explain why I’m displaying this righteous fury. Well the main problem is I feel Ill. I know its not the flu as I had my flu jab but whatever it is I feel rotten. My nose is running more than Usain Bolt if he was a nose, everytime I breathe it feels like Ive been deepthroating TreeBeard from Lord of the Rings, and finally I’m shaking like a shitting dog. My point is I feel like crap. Now I’ll give you a few moments to get those repulsive images out of your mind and we’ll proceed.
It’s a new year so its time for the first ever Screenkicker Blog Awards. This prestigious imaginary award is given to the cream of bloggers who write crap about films, books, videogames, Last of the Summer Wine erotic fiction, basically anything. I read a shitload of blogs mainly to steal ideas and leave poorly written comments so its time for me to give something back.
Most Foulmouthed Blogger – Smashing through life!
The Malcolm Tucker Award for bad language goes to Smash for her Shitfest winning review of Rumpelstiltskin. Highlights include ‘a night of pitifully performed fucking from beyond the grave ‘ and ‘she’s going to break herself off another piece of that dirty dick’. And those are the most family friendly quotes I could find. You win this:
The Most Shit Films Watched Award – The IPC
As always the man is a hero for watching all of the worst pieces of cinema known to man. A true masochist, this sick bastard’s bread and butter is movies such as Mad Cowgirl and all of the god-awful Children of the Corn films. That takes balls so I salute you. Here’s your prize pic:
Best Blogathon – Silver Screen Serenade
Such a simple idea that worked perfectly, NOOOOvember was a series of reviews of readers most disappointing movies. My review of Ass-Blasters 7: The Bummining was sadly not chosen as an entry but there are no hard feelings. Have this as a reward/punishment:
The Gratuitous Nudity Award – Cinema Parrot Disco
I havent seen this much naked flesh since my local weight watchers class had that orgy. Basically my advice to Chris Hemsworth would be to look over shoulder and consider a restraining order. Here’s your prize T9M, enjoy!
Community Award – The Verbal Spew
Everyone agrees that Sundays are a bit rubbish. There’s nothing on the TV, you spend the whole day depressed because of a week of work coming. The only thing that makes me think twice about blowing my brains out is The Sunday Spew from V at The Verbal Spew. It’s where you can find all of the highlights of the week in blogging along with photos of those ugly little dogs with the smooshed up faces. Please accept this prize pic:
Best for Books Award – The Sporadic Chronicles of a Beginner Blogger
Zoe gets a special award for the sheer number of books she reads and the excellent write ups she does of them. Regular followers of Screenkicker will be aware of my limited reading abilities so this young lady blows my mind with her dedication to the written word. Zoe is a huge Chris Nolan fan so you get this pic as your prize!
Best Reviews – Digital Shortbread & Dan the Mans’ Movie Reviews
Joint award for these amazing reviewers who I’ve been reading for the last year. Dan almost got this one solo due to Tom’s inability to tell the difference between shortbread and pie. Here’s Amber Heard in her underwear:
So there we have it, to claim your award just copy this poorly drawn figure I laboured over. You can stick it on your page. Or not, it looks a bit shitty.
If I haven’t mentioned you then it’s probably because I havent had time to read everything owing to the debilitating sickness I’ve mentioned before.
Congratulations to you heroes of writing about stuff, keep up the excellent work in 2014 everyone!