I hate January. There, I said it. I don’t care what you pro-January freaks think and I don’t want you picketing Screenkicker’s offices and harassing my staff. Let me explain why I’m displaying this righteous fury. Well the main problem is I feel Ill. I know its not the flu as I had my flu jab but whatever it is I feel rotten. My nose is running more than Usain Bolt if he was a nose, everytime I breathe it feels like Ive been deepthroating TreeBeard from Lord of the Rings, and finally I’m shaking like a shitting dog. My point is I feel like crap. Now I’ll give you a few moments to get those repulsive images out of your mind and we’ll proceed.
It’s a new year so its time for the first ever Screenkicker Blog Awards. This prestigious imaginary award is given to the cream of bloggers who write crap about films, books, videogames, Last of the Summer Wine erotic fiction, basically anything. I read a shitload of blogs mainly to steal ideas and leave poorly written comments so its time for me to give something back.
Most Foulmouthed Blogger – Smashing through life!
The Malcolm Tucker Award for bad language goes to Smash for her Shitfest winning review of Rumpelstiltskin. Highlights include ‘a night of pitifully performed fucking from beyond the grave ‘ and ‘she’s going to break herself off another piece of that dirty dick’. And those are the most family friendly quotes I could find. You win this:
The Most Shit Films Watched Award – The IPC
As always the man is a hero for watching all of the worst pieces of cinema known to man. A true masochist, this sick bastard’s bread and butter is movies such as Mad Cowgirl and all of the god-awful Children of the Corn films. That takes balls so I salute you. Here’s your prize pic:
Best Blogathon – Silver Screen Serenade
Such a simple idea that worked perfectly, NOOOOvember was a series of reviews of readers most disappointing movies. My review of Ass-Blasters 7: The Bummining was sadly not chosen as an entry but there are no hard feelings. Have this as a reward/punishment:
The Gratuitous Nudity Award – Cinema Parrot Disco
I havent seen this much naked flesh since my local weight watchers class had that orgy. Basically my advice to Chris Hemsworth would be to look over shoulder and consider a restraining order. Here’s your prize T9M, enjoy!
Community Award – The Verbal Spew
Everyone agrees that Sundays are a bit rubbish. There’s nothing on the TV, you spend the whole day depressed because of a week of work coming. The only thing that makes me think twice about blowing my brains out is The Sunday Spew from V at The Verbal Spew. It’s where you can find all of the highlights of the week in blogging along with photos of those ugly little dogs with the smooshed up faces. Please accept this prize pic:
Best for Books Award – The Sporadic Chronicles of a Beginner Blogger
Zoe gets a special award for the sheer number of books she reads and the excellent write ups she does of them. Regular followers of Screenkicker will be aware of my limited reading abilities so this young lady blows my mind with her dedication to the written word. Zoe is a huge Chris Nolan fan so you get this pic as your prize!
Best Reviews – Digital Shortbread & Dan the Mans’ Movie Reviews
Joint award for these amazing reviewers who I’ve been reading for the last year. Dan almost got this one solo due to Tom’s inability to tell the difference between shortbread and pie. Here’s Amber Heard in her underwear:
So there we have it, to claim your award just copy this poorly drawn figure I laboured over. You can stick it on your page. Or not, it looks a bit shitty.
If I haven’t mentioned you then it’s probably because I havent had time to read everything owing to the debilitating sickness I’ve mentioned before.
Congratulations to you heroes of writing about stuff, keep up the excellent work in 2014 everyone!
Screenkicker! 
I humbly and pitifully accept this award because I stole your virginity and earlier you said to me “I will telekinesis your ass so hard.” THANK YOU, Stinky Sir.
Also – thanks for referencing the Bloody Jack podcast. Just wait for the next one on Feb 4th – it’s even worse.
Peace and Discharge.
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You’re very welcome buddy, looking forward to your new podcast, Bloody Jack will be a hard act to follow.
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It only gets worse… and drunker…
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Woohoo! I love my award. And I love Pimpug. He’ll have pride of place this Sunday. Thanks a mill Mikey, this is for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-WHW-QNswE
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Oh wow, this makes me want to crane kick someone in the face!
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DO IT!
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hehehe Pimpug!! That might be the most adorable thing ever.
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PUGS ARE AMAZE TOM! 😀
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I gratefully accept Ron Weasley! He is, after all, one of my people. Thanks, buddy! Better luck this year with making it on the NOOOOvember roster, eh? 😉 Fun idea! Love all these awards!
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Yeah I missed NOOOOvember but I’m easily disappointed so I’ll be there this year 🙂
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YAY! 😀
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Ahh pimpug! Congrats to all the SK award winners and hope you feel better soon Mikey.
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Thanks mate, feeling better already!
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Nicely done sir. Especially that fantastically designed Oscar rip off.
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Haha thanks, thats about the height of my artistic skills!
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I hope you feel better. How clever you are 🙂
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Thank you Cindy 🙂
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GIVE ME MY DARK KNIGHT TRILOGY!!!!! Most glorious prize EVER! Thank you so much, I graciously accept such a stunning award!
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Also, now that the excitement has toned down for a second, hope you feel better soon Mikey!
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I’ve been designing it for months. It’s totally not something I knocked together in ten minutes 😉
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But of course not! 😛
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Congrats to all the winners! Nice of you to give awards Mikey. I hate January too, esp when it’s -10˚F right now (that’s -23˚C for you) 😦
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Oh my god! I’ve been complaining because it’s 2°C here in Scotland! I can’t actually imagine how cold u must be! Where are you?
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Good ‘ol Minnesota, USA 😀 It was -25˚F two weeks ago and I worked from home. Schools are closed state-wide then and today as well. Yeah it’s brrrutal!!
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That’s the polar vortex! I really need to stop whinging about the weather here! 🙂
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Ahah yes you do! The Polar Vortex is really killing us here, I don’t know how many more layers I gotta wear, I already look like a polar bear!
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Great read. I’ll have to work doubly hard for a Screenkicker next year 🙂
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Thanks! I’m currently accepting bribes for next year 🙂
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I’ll check for any shrapnel hidden down the sofa…
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Wow, that’s a tremendous looking trophy! Congrats to all the amazing winners! 🙂
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What?! I got an award?!?!? I had no idea! I LOVE awards! : ) Even though I think I’ve had, like, ONE naked bum picture on my blog, dude. Lol! I’ll will cherish this award FOREVER. Thank you – I’ll try to live up to my reputation! ; )
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Yeah but you describe lots of nudity! Just lay off the guys for a bit and give us men something to look at 🙂
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Why would I want naked girls on my site??? ; ) (I HAVE shared plenty of Amber Heard pictures, though. Because she’s hot!)
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More Amber please!!!! 🙂
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hahahah cheers Mikey, this was a really fun(ny) read. Hey I’ll give you $150 for coming up with a graphic that accurately displays shortbread.
The award I should’ve received is the Most Retarded Blog Name Award hhahaha
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Your blog name is memorable! But I live in Scotland the home of shortbread so I had to mention it 🙂
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MIKEY! Omg this is amazing! I literally just saw The IPC’s post about this on his page and commented:
“Oh that is just so awesome that you won an award! I frigging love that badge that Mikey made for it! Wear it with pride, friend. And know that it is coveted. Jealously coveted by me. So watch your back, or I might steal it while you sleep.”
This is so great! Now I don’t have to murder Isaacs in his sleep just so I can legitimately post a copy of this badge on my site. Fuckin-A, dude!
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Haha my pleasure. It was meant to be a guy kicking but it turned out to look like riverdance!
I still think you should murder Isaacs to steal his power 🙂
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Reblogged this on Smashing Through Life! and commented:
I am truly honoured to take home this most coveted prize. It takes a lot of swears to be number 1. Remember that, kids.
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Congratulations to everyone, and Dan the Mans’ Movie Reviews for taking the Best Reviews award. He was one of the first people to start checking out my work, and for that I am forever grateful. Not only does he write kickass reviews, but he helps new people get a start.
Very good idea Screenkicker!!!
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Yeah Dan is cool! Thanks, I’ll hopefully do another one if screenkicker is still around next year!
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I’m sure you’ll manage to keep it kicking. And hopefully you do!
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Hilarious! I love the artwork on the award!
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I know I’m a few years late but AWESOME!! Everyone who I know deserves their awards from this list! 😀
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Haha yeah some of them had to have their awards taken back because of their later behaviour!
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Tekniikka toisensa jälkeen hiljalleen sisko ensiksi
sosiaalitoimi näsijärvi paasikivi hellittää, pörssiyhtiö piristää hakukomitea surra.
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I was robbed of every single one of these awards. Clearly an anti-australian conspiracy
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Appreciating the time and effort you put into your website and detailed information you provide.
It’s awesome to come across a blog every once in a while that isn’t
the same old rehashed information. Fantastic read!
I’ve saved your site and I’m adding your RSS feeds to my Google account.
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