July 30, 2014mikeyb @ screenkicker

Top 5 Awful Movies from Great Directors

Sometimes its nice to know that even the best people can have bad days. I’m sure Michelangelo occasionally dropped his pizza onto whatever he was painting but those are the dangers of living in Italy. My point is – even the best artists can do something horrible which they should be ashamed of. Just ask Rolf Harris. So when one of the gifted artists fail miserably I can’t help but feel a bit better about myself. The Germans call this feeling schadenfreude and today we can all revel in it with my top 5 awful films made by great directors! Some of these guys started off great but aren’t as well respected today and others can do no wrong, mostly. Check out these stinkers!

 

5. Francis Ford Coppola – Jack (1996)

 

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Seriously Jack, fuck off

The obvious first choice would usually be The Godfather Part 3 for shitting over two of the greatest films ever made but instead I picked the travesty that is Jack. The movie features Robin Williams at his creepiest as a child who is growing old at an abnormal rate. The premise is disturbing and watching Williams play what he thinks a child behaves like is horrible. This is a sentimental, cynical, freaky, story that literally gave me nightmares. If you ever meet a 40 something man who claims to be a ten year old then please alert the authorities.

4. Ridley Scott – Prometheus (2012)

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Probably the stupidest bunch of scientists ever assembled

Much like millions of Alien fans, I was excited for Ridley Scott’s return to the universe he helped create in 1979. No one informed me that this would be a comedy. Packed to the gills with the stupidest characters ever committed to celluloid (run to the side Charlize!) Prometheus ruins an interesting concept with plotholes, strange edits, and a bad script. A few scenes hint at a movie that could have been great but that’s the equivalent of having a fine french cheese in the shit sandwich you’re being forced to swallow.

3. Steven Spielberg – Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

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Who’s smiling now?!

I have two words for you – Shia Labeouf. I don’t even know if I spelled his name correctly but i really don’t care. They just couldn’t leave it alone could they? The Indiana Jones trilogy was pretty much perfect but for some reason Steven Spielberg just couln’t leave it at that. The alien plot isn’t even the worst aspect of Crystal Skull, that accolade should be shared by the cast, the script, the effects, and of course the aforementioned Shia Labouef. I’m actually angry typing this.

2. John Carpenter – Escape From L.A. (1996)

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You used to be so cool Snake 😦

I’m a huge fan of literally every film John Carpenter made in the 80s. However for some reason as soon as we hit 1990 Carpenter’s movies took a turn for the worst. This is no more apparent than in this soulless sequel to the classic Escape From New York. The plot and characters are recycled but instead of Kurt Russell hanging with Ernest Borgnine and fighting Isaac Hayes, we have him surfing with Peter Fonda and playing basketball. It’s a misjudged nostalgia trip that misses what made the original such a cult classic. Not good Snake.

1. Tim Burton – Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

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“I really hope Wonka isn’t a fucking creep”

Tim Burton’s track record at remakes is what we movie watchers would class as ‘shit’. Planet of the Apes (2001) was an exercise in removing all the brains from a beloved franchise and dressing his wife up as the bastard child of Michael Jackson and his pet chimp bubbles. Charlie and the Chocolate factory is even more disrespectful. Continuing with the Michael Jackson theme, Johnny Depp plays Willy Wonka as The King of Pop’s corpse possessed by a particularly creepy serial killer. All the charm of the book is torn out and replaced with bad songs, bad performances, and a distinct lack of heart. How do you mess up a film where a fat kid gets stuck in a pipe?

 

The exception to the rule:

Paul W.S Anderson – Event Horizon (1997)

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What Prometheus should have been

Famous for some awful films and being married to Mila Jovovich Paul W.S Anderson actually produced one stone cold classic in the form of Event Horizon. It’s the quintessential space-horror and tells the story of a haunted spaceship with a very horrible secret. Full of great performances and genuine scares Event Horizon showed a massive amount of potential in Anderson as a director. He then went on to make Alien Vs Predator and Pompeii cementing his place on this list as the exception to the rule.

Have you got any more suggestions? Maybe you like one of these films and want to defend it? I say ‘bring it on!’ and write your comments below.

55 comments

  1. :O but charlie was…was……smartass! And wasn’t violet hilarious?! She car kee me up.
    Hmm. I wonder; have you seen the older version of this film? The one with the blonde boy as charlie? If so, which do you prefer?

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  6. I can’t comment on Jack or Escape from L.A. because I haven’t seen them, but Kingdom of the Crystal Skull…ugh. It pains me to think of it. Just the other day I saw a pack of Indiana Jones films for sale, and I was like, “Oooh I should maybe get this!” But I saw Crystal Skull in there, and suddenly I no longer wished to spend a dime. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory blows, too, but at least it helped give some of attention to Freddie Highmore, who is killin’ it on Bates Motel (pun intended). As for Prometheus, I actually don’t mind it. But I know I’m in the minority there. Lol. Fun list, Mikey! 🙂

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  7. Good list. Do you think the overriding message here is: don’t fuck with masterpieces years later (Jones, Aliens, EFNY)

    Jack is a classic though.

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  8. Haha that’s a good list! I think I must be the only person in the world that actually enjoyed Prometheus (but let’s never mention that again). Crystal Skull really was terrible though. How about every third Woody Allen film from the past 20 years? The Ladykillers by the Coen Brothers was terrible too. Rare for them to mess up.

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  10. Great list Mike! However, bad as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was, Burton (sadly) has worse. I am not a Prometheus fan AT ALL, so good for that one on the list. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull just breaks my heart 😦

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  12. Hey, somehow I just noticed your new blog header, very nice Mikey!

    Oh my, I didn’t even know Francis Ford Coppola made Jack, I have no interest in seeing that one. Yep agreed w/ Prometheus, seems like Scott is still trying to recapture his glory days!

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  13. Gotta disagree with you on Prometheus Mikey, I admire the heck out of that film. We’re back on the same page in regards to Paul W.S. Anderson and Event Horizon though – really eerie space horror from a director who’s back catalogue is pretty shoddy. Jack sounds eye-pokingly terrible!

    Adam.

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  14. I hated 1 (creepy johnny depp fail) ,3 (Shia Lawhatshisname is a freaking epic disaster.) and 5 (creepy…that’s all i got on that one) …never saw 2 or 4 but I’d probably not like those either.
    : )

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  16. Well, i agree on 4 of 5 of them (will let u guess which one i liked 🙂 Find it ironic that I watched that one the day before you posted this.

    Never saw event horizon, but if it really is like the black hole, but better, I think I’ll check it out

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  20. Charlie wasn’t all that great. Didn’t do the book justice but I did like how it gave Freddie Highmore a lot more opportunities and he has some good flicks here and there. I wouldn’t have gone with that one for Tim Burton fail though.
    I did enjoy Prometheus enough that I wouldn’t say its that bad.
    But spot on for Crystal Skull, I’d like to imagine that movie never happened and Indiana Jones stopped right before that 😉 No aliens and no Shia Laboeuf.
    And c’mon, Paul WS Anderson does guilty pleasure movies, ok? So I don’t even think he deserves a spot here. Plus, I like Event Horizon. LOL! Along with a handful of other movies he’s done. I’d say Pompeii or AVP would be his fail if you had to put him in 😉
    Great post!

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      • LOL! Oops! I went through that part a bit too quickly. The little sneaking in reading posts in middle of work does that. Sorry about that! 🙂

        Tim Burton’s worst movie would be Sweeney Todd. I love musicals but that one was slightly a snoozefest. But then I haven’t seen Dark Shadows and frankly am a bit scared to venture into that one. It really doesn’t look too good….

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  21. I liked Pompeii..for the boobs. Jessica Lucas<3<3

    Onto a serious note, I have to say that I honestly believe Steven Spielberg has lost his touch over the years. I'm not just saying this because he is the executive producer on the Transformer movies. OKAY, I lied. Totally saying it because of that…

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